Never
by TokehGecko
Summary: The sadness of happiness or the happiness of sadness


Naruto Fanfiction

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto

Author's Note: The sadness of happiness, or the happiness of sadness

Title: Never

* * *

I was never

* * *

For years I've pictured being someone's number one and having that same person be my number one. I would say only the lucky ones would be each other's number one, but even among the lucky only the few can say they've been there. No, it's all about the right time for something like this. You can only be so lucky.

Pride is healthy, it keeps you sharp and loyal to yourself. Too much pride can destroy you faster than your fastest enemy. Be sure to let go of things sometimes, but keep the important things strapped. Herein lies the question what the important things are. But it's really simple. It's you.

It's just too bad that when you've made a turn, it's hard to turn back. Once someone else has turned away from you, do you even want them to turn back to you? It's pointless, you see? If you weren't chosen in the beginning, then would you still want to be chosen in the end?

Do people settle easy for anything other than first place? Are they just desperately trying to find and cling to at least something close to the genuine happiness they were denied? Because, if you ask me… if you can't reach what you wanted to reach in the first place, why would you go for another? It doesn't make sense, but lies are usually the cure for true sadness… temporary it may be, temporary it will be for many times. You can get addicted to lies much easier than anything else...

In life, the one you will be punished by the most is you yourself. You force upon others the image of you you want them to see and pray they will believe in this image. And then, your true magic can begin. Not only lies are addictive. Mental hurt is a drug as well.

You see, you want to be hurt by others so they will regret. You feed on their guilt and regret, which will soon be the only way you feel good about yourself.

Life is filled with addictions. If you know the most important ones, you might just come out on top.

* * *

"What are you saying? I'm busy."

"I'm saying you're a wreck! This isn't you, what the hell is wrong with you?"

"I'm a wreck? I feel better than ever."

She looked unconvinced. But then, that was just how she always looked, with the accusative eyes of an interrogator and the snarl of someone who needed to be right all the time. "Alcohol can NOT make you feel better."

"… You did NOT just say that."

She snorted loudly and I couldn't resist rolling my eyes as she put her hands on her hips. Those lovely hips. Did Ino always have such a killer body? "Listen, you moron. I had a bad day at the hospital and I just wanted to pour myself a few drinks."

"You can easily pour yourself a few drinks at your own place, right?" Damn, I heard myself slur the last part of that sentence. Why wasn't Kurama helping out again?

She offered a dry look and sat down beside me at the bar. Why was she even in this neighborhood? This was my neighborhood, where the 'not many of them' were. "I thought you couldn't get drunk?" Damn, I can't believe she noticed. Here I was trying so hard to not look drunk acting sober. Well, I guess she's a Yamanaka, after all.

"I have lucky days, I guess." I offered a shrug and asked the bartender for another batch of drinks.

Another snort before she ordered. "So, what have you been up to lately? I heard you took down a big bounty last week. Kotetsu and Izumo couldn't shut up about it. Why are you here, drinking away all your money?"

'Not money…' Grabbing one of the glasses in front of me and downing it in one go, I eyed the frowning Ino. "Did you come here to talk or to drink? For me it's the latter so shut up."

"Wow, I've never seen a grumpy Naruto before, this is new." She dared to grin before downing her own drink. "I like it."

I didn't care to respond and grabbed another glass. I always order around ten glasses, because Kurama likes to mess with me. Really, what the hell was I doing here anyway? Even though I started coming here a few months ago, I still can't help but wonder why. Alcohol never did much for me so it had to be the bar itself.

I glanced around without moving my head and hardly noticed Ino ordering more. All the people in the bar were content being here… Did this mean they were like me, and they were not feeling content outside of the bar? Perhaps it was camaraderie of some sorts. No one really cared about anything and no one really had to, once inside this bar. No one had the right to meddle and no one had the right to complain to someone else.

Everything here… just was.

Why couldn't it always be simple like this?

"So, did you hear? Sakura and Sasuke split up!" unsurprisingly, Ino was already slurring. I blinked as I noticed six empty glasses in front of her. Not bad, actually. "Relationships are a bitch, huh?"

I shrugged, I couldn't help it. I didn't care for answering her and I didn't care for relationships. I was content, really. I would think about it, again, once outside of this paradise bar. Where the real world would clutch my ankles and slow me down. Another drink, one less full glass to worry about. A worry, but a hopeful presence.

"Ino, cut it out."

"I can't help it! You're so weird when you're drunk! You're so quiet!"

I drunk-glared at her. She had been staring at the right-half of my face for a good full minute now. It was not funny.

"You do realize you should be shaving yourself, right? You look like you haven't showered in days!" Ino threw her hands in the air at that. Why? What's the use of throwing your hands in the air like that? It puzzled me at the moment. "But you look good with your hair longer." I dared to think she looked at me with fondness, but then I remembered there was alcohol in my eyes, in my body.

I looked her over shortly and huffed, going for another drink. "You look exactly the same as always."

She slapped me in the back of my head and I spilled my drink. I guess that's also one less full glass to worry about, but it somehow didn't make it as right. "You asshole! You have no tact!"

I sighed and realized I only had about seven glasses left. Maybe it was more worrisome if there weren't any glasses on the bar at all…. Hmm. "I didn't mean it as an insult, Ino. You've always looked good." I absentmindedly let out, signaling to the bartender with two fingers first, and then five.

That obviously meant ten glasses of whatever he was giving me.

"O-oh! Of course I do! Hahaha!"

I frowned at Ino, what was she babbling about now?

She was talking again, but I couldn't really understand. It was as if her mouth was moving faster than words actually hit me. It didn't matter.

Her lips looked good, though.

Too good.

Ino looked too good.

What the hell was a girl like her doing in bar like this again?

* * *

"Hey, Naruto."

I only just noticed her. I can't believe Kurama would let me experience a hangover again. He was really being a pain in the ass these last few days. Maybe I should summon him again soon, just to fight it out a bit. "Hey, Sakura."

She didn't look that bad, considering she and Sasuke just broke up. I would have imagined her different. "She in a good mood? I can't handle too many screams today…" I grumbled as I massaged my forehead.

"How unlike you?" She offered as I walked past her. "You have a hangover?"

"Yeah, Kurama and I are in a bit of a mix. I'll handle it." Really, what was his problem? "Seeya, Sakura." I knocked the door leading to Tsunade's office.

"Ah… seeya." I managed to hear as I walked in on Tsunade throwing a pile of papers through the wall.

Man, how can you throw paper through a wall?

"Naruto!"

I cringed. "…Yeah?" As she glared at me, I couldn't help but wonder what I'd done now to deserve her wrath. "You do realize I've been off-duty for the past five days, right? I don't think I've done anything wrong?" It was a question, definitely.

The sigh of all sighs, it even made her shoulders rise a few inches before they dropped again. Other things moved, too. "No, you haven't done anything wrong. Three Konoha-nin have gone missing yesterday. I suspect they've turned traitor and are on their way to either Iwa or Oto."

"Oto? That dump still exists?"

I was promptly ignored, but I was very used to it. "I want you to form a team and flash to Iwa before they reach it. I'm sending Sasuke to Oto, since he knows the grounds better. I sent him yesterday night because he can't move as fast as you can."

"I'm still off-duty until tomorrow, though?" Again, definitely a (hopeful) question in disguise.

"This is an emergency, you'll receive another day soon!"

Soon? Soon as in another month or so? I offered her a dry, unconvinced look, hoping it was close to Ino's unconvinced permanent scowl-face.

"Go, take three Jounin with you."

I flashed to Neji, Kiba and Shino respectively. I grabbed them and simply flashed ahead, not caring in what state they were all in. They were used to this by now. Or they should be anyway.

When the four of us appeared a kilometer away from the gates leading to Iwagakure, I offered them some attention. And then I smiled a bit.

"Capture mission." I clarified. "We'll be back before you know it."

Neji was glaring at me. He was wearing a towel around his body and a… hairdryer? I held back a snigger.

Shino was holding a fork and a knife in his hands. He was still in a seated position, even. I guffawed.

Managing some control, I peered over Kiba, who was in his pajamas. It seemed he really DID love Akamaru, if the imprints on his pajamas were an indication. How profound. "Hey asshole, you forgot Akamaru." Funny how Akamaru was the first thing on his mind.

* * *

"Are you making this a thing?" I couldn't help but complain. Gathering thoughts and arranging them was best done in silence and by yourself, after all. Sigh. "Why are you here?"

"I like it here. You're great company."

"You're not."

"Ah, you know you love me." I dared a glance at her. Her perfume already told me it was her the moment she entered the bar. I gulped. She looked even better than last time.

"How annoying."

Around ordering drinks, Ino and I began to converse on several things. Well, it was more me trying to ignore her and her talking a whole shitload. "So Temari told me you're number one in Suna's Bingo records."

BINGO… What a ridiculous name for a book where the most dangerous Shinobi were listed in. They should call it…. Nah, never mind, too tired to think about it.

"You're the one with the most accomplished S-rankeds, right? I can't believe the dead-last from back then is Konoha's strongest nin right now! Hey, hey." She nudged me, but I was ready. I didn't spill any alcohol this time. "Why aren't you Hokage yet?"

… Yeah, why wasn't I?

"When a dream is within reach, doubt starts to multiply indefinitely." I whispered loud enough for her to hear. "In the end, you realize that what you want is not necessarily what you need."

"Whoa, Uzumaki, slow down. I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Ugh… Neither am I." My head dropped on the counter.

* * *

I don't think you should ever set a distinct goal in mind. Don't ever choose a 'must go there' ambition. You'll reach the finish line, no matter what you do or decide. You can die with a smile on your face at a young age just as well as at an old age. It's overrated, life.

Life hands you a string and you hold onto it, grasp it with all your might from the moment you are born. If you ever let go of that string, you'll be lost.

Well, I never had that string so I never had the option to hold on to anything.

I think it's better that way. I was lost from the beginning, so I could only find the right way. You people on the other hand, you'll get lost in the end. I think it's worse that way.

Remember what I said about being someone's number one and having someone be yours? Forget all about it. It's best if you don't have a number one and you aren't a number one to anyone.

A perfect road is so much more fragile than a damaged one.

So, yeah... You were my number one. But I was never yours. It's weird how that makes me happy now, where before it would crumble my world.

* * *

"W…what?"

"I said I know. I've known about it for some time. Ino told me."

"I-Ino?"

"Yeah. So what are you doing here?"

"I don't know. Something just made me want to talk to you… I'm not happy."

"No one is truly happy, Sasuke. You just accept what you are and consider it 'happy.'" I moved my gaze to the sky and noticed him following it. "In a way, perhaps acceptance is happiness, huh?"

"I want in on your team."

"Tcheh… You couldn't handle it. We go places at absurd times and our lives are ruled by uncertainty. A guy like you couldn't stand it."

"It changed you, this life. You're… different. Wiser, but sadder."

I laughed, I couldn't help it. "Well… perhaps wisdom is sadness."

* * *

"So, what do you think?"

"You look exactly the same."

"You idiot! I've never worn anything like this!"

"I don't care what you wear. I can see you're still exactly the same."

She looked unsure of herself as she bit her bottom lip. "And you say that's a good thing, right?"

I smiled genuinely and walked past her. "It's the best."

"Why?"

She didn't follow so I had to stop moving. How annoying. "Look at me. Am I still the same?"

Her look was dead serious. "No, you're most certainly not."

"Exactly… Now isn't that just…"

Ino understood.

* * *

If you are not my number one and I am not yours, then we chose each other equally.

* * *

"W…why not? Is it because I asked you, after all this time? Is it a grudge?"

I turned my head to look at her. Really, I was just on my way for a good drink or sixty. I hope Ino wasn't expecting me. "Nah… If anything, you've finally given me a sense of fulfillment. And the lid on top of closure."

"W-what?"

She was still as beautiful as ever. With her hair now just below her shoulder, the pink bangs tickled at her collarbone. "We are not for each other, Sakura. I realized this a long time ago. I made a mistake, a big one."

"You made a mistake?"

I nodded my head sadly. "When I was young, I made a big mistake. Because of that, we could never be."

"What did you do?"

"I made you my number one."

* * *

"Ne, Naruto? How about we go out without alcohol some time?"

I gave her a look of incredulity. "I would be bad company."

* * *

END.

A possible characterization of how Naruto could become.


End file.
